A woman has spoken out about her agonizing abortion experience in an open letter addressed to her two aborted sons whom she named Jude and Paul. Rachel said: “You’ll never be a statistic to me. You’ll always be my two biggest regrets, my two most painful memories, my 2 boys. Aborting you both didn’t stop me being your mum. I just became a mum of two dead children.”

Speaking to Her Voice, an online platform which provides women with a space to share their abortion stories, Rachel has written a letter to her two aborted sons, describing the love she feels for them, and her regret over aborting them.

Rachel’s Story

Rachel said: “Dear Jude and Paul, I remember being pregnant with you both, but I don’t remember hearing your first words, seeing your beautiful faces or having the privilege to say you were my sons as you started your first day at school. I don’t remember the Christmas joys and the birthday laughter.

“When I became pregnant with you, Jude, I just wanted to be ‘unpregnant.’ I was asked if being pregnant would affect my mental health. I answered ‘yes’ and your life ended the next week….I was now living in fear and could see no way out. Fear shouted louder than any whisper of hope. I was only offered one choice – that being abortion. An uninformed choice is no choice. I never knew that the end of your life would be the beginning of the decline of my mental health state. Denial would be my shadow for many years, following me around only to occasionally disappear when the lightning of anger would rear its ugly face. The first two stages of grief: anger and denial.

“Paul, I was awake when I aborted you and I heard your life being sucked away. Paralysed by pain, I watched the abortionist count the body parts to ensure all of your remains were removed. No one told me my peace would also be taken, no one told me I’d never have the chance to be pregnant again. No one can ever convince me that I had the right to choose to end your life. Paul, it should never have been a legal right of mine to take your life. My rights should end when they impact the life of someone else, born or unborn.

“I’m so saddened that for decades you were both nameless as you swirled around my heart and my memories, the dreams that I tried to bury. You were my mistakes, my darkest secrets and when I stopped long enough to feel, you became my ‘if onlys.’ If only I was given another option; if only I had realised my body does not have 4 arms and 4 legs, and therefore your body belonged to you; if only I had realised that human rights included yours; if only someone had told me that I could do this; if only I had not tried to sort this out myself; if only it was not legal; if only I had known you’d be called Jude and Paul.  All the if’s being the third stage of grief: bargaining.

“Jude and Paul, did you know that when your life ended, part of me did too? Did you know I tried to fill the void that you left by filling myself and emptying myself through bulimia? I would slip into a darkness that I now know was depression - the fourth stage of grief.

“It was at Rachel’s Vineyard that I was allowed to grieve; there I realised that I had been grieving the children that could have been instead of grieving the children that were. You were already part of this world; you were already alive, growing; you just needed time to be born.

“It was at Rachel’s Vineyard that I heard the words that would change my life forever: ‘Rachel, it’s not that you could have been a mum, you are a mum!’  I realised for the first time that I am a mum.

“I am your mum. I accept today that I took your lives through abortion. I killed you both. You know I wish I could turn back time, but I cannot. What I can do is write this letter to you and hope that future Judes' and Pauls' right to life is protected. Maybe someone reading this has had an abortion and is not aware that they are a mum and they can get support and healing too.

“9 million have now died through abortion in UK. You are 2 of 9 million. ​

“You’ll never be a statistic to me. You’ll always be my two biggest regrets, my two most painful memories, my 2 boys.

“Aborting you both didn’t stop me being your mum. I just became a mum of two dead children.

“I love you Jude and Paul and I will spend the rest of my life showing you this by not allowing the lie that this is a reproductive right, that you didn’t exist, and that this is the best we can do for mothers.

“Love from Mum xxx”

Seeking support

The impact that abortion has upon the health of some women can be life-changing. Yet growing evidence suggests that women are not being fully informed and the consequences can be devastating.

If you, or anyone you know has been affected by abortion, please contact the Abortion Recovery Care and Helpline (ARCH) for free, non-judgemental, confidential support: 0345 603 8501 or info@archtrust.org.uk">email:info@archtrust.org.uk

If you would like to contact Rachel’s Vineyard, please visit: www.rachelsvineyard.org.uk

If you would like to contact Her Voice, please email: hello@hervoice.org.uk